My Life

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As you may or may not know I am really broke. I barely have enough money to live off due to the situation here, with the Paranoid Schizophrenia I have developed putting me on the Disability. Expenses such as Bills, Food, Tobacco, Alcohol… and saving money to get this music off the ground leaves me with barely anything at all.

 

The lack of money has me in the house every day and every night. I cant go out, I cant afford to even meet someone for coffee. Its ruining my life. I am always told that I should go out and live while Im still young, and thats what I want to be doing. But I am trapped in this house and it frys my head.

I need a job, but I dont think Ill be able to hold one down with this mental illness. I need to meet friends, do things and enjoy life, instead of sitting here at this laptop, becoming addicted to social media because its the only thing that connects me to the outside world. I need to have fun! But I dont because Im stuck here.

The recent floods have left me trapped with no way to get a taxi to my house after a night out , that I can afford. I love going to open mics in town and playing my music, now I cant even do that. I feel isolated and alone.

I would do a course, but Ive got such bad anxiety that I cant handle being around strangers for any amount of time. Only if Im drunk enough on a night out. I wont even get into my non existent love life. My life has definitely gone down hill over the years.

I have been admitted to hospital multiple times because I was psychotic. I have been through hell, so this boring life I have now actually seems like an improvement. I somehow look on the bright side, tell myself that things arent as bad as they seem. Maybe its denial, maybe its strength, who knows!

What I do know is that I havent went psychotic in over 2 years now since I started getting an anti-psychotic injection every month. So now that I have the schizophrenia symptoms under control I have to start rebuilding my life. I hope that tomorrow brings some excitement and that I can get back out there into the world and meet people, have fun and enjoy myself!

I have to make up for the lost time that a decade of battling mental illness took away from me. I have fought my demons, battled voices in my head and angelic visions commanding me to kill myself multiple times. I fought through it with all my heart because I knew deep down that this is my life and no one can take it away from me. I told myself that I have the right to live, and even if I suffer in life things will eventually get better. I told myself that I will have good times someday, and that they are worth sticking around to experience. I had a will to live within that saved me, that I am lucky to have because so many people are robbed of it, and dont make it.

I fought through it all alone, in the depths of psychosis I couldnt even articulate my own thoughts enough to tell anyone what was happening to me, about what I was hearing and seeing. I just had to fight it. It was the little things that kept me going, knowing that I would be able to enjoy a takeaway and have a drink, talk to my family and friends and have the craic, there would be new music coming out in the future that I could listen to. Small pleasures that make life worth living proved to me that life can be fun and enjoyable, and that if I did die I wouldnt beable to experience any of it.

I also believed, despite seeing these angelic visions and all, that when you die, thats it, its just the end. Blackness, Death. Nothing else, no heaven or hell. No reincarnation, just the end. So why let this life go to waste? That helped me fight through the suicidal urges the voices and visions represented, and when I did get the help I needed I got to experience all those pleasures of life. And I still do, knowing that there are even better moments to be had in the future, making new friends, finding love, doing shows, and all that. It keeps me going.

I want to let anyone suffering from mental illness or suicidal thoughts out there know that after every dark night there is a bright day, and if I can make it, so can you. Its your life, dont let anyone take it away from you.

Writer’s Block

Its infuriating. Any artists out there know their worst enemy, writers block. It can strike at any time, and when it does it is guaranteed to fry your head big time. I am currently suffering from it at the moment. Fuck writers block!

Rap is supposed to be fun, impulsive and inspirational. I love writing rhymes when I hear an MC who is killing it, I always want to write something as good as them, it really inspires me. Most of my rhymes are written on an impulse, if I am feeling an idea or a topic or if I just want to rap, thats usually what gets me writing. If I have a good beat or want to remix something, I usually sit for a few hours writing a song until its ready to go then I record it.

Writers block starts to sink in when there is a deadline on a project, or I have to write something for someone. It sucks all the fun out of it and it starts to feel like work. Or if I get the notion that this song has to be perfect, I usually shy away from writing it for ages because I must subconsciously think its going to suck and wont be perfect so I put it off. I would be terrible at writing if I was signed to a label. I cant meet deadlines, I sit down when its time to write and just draw a blank.

I have to be excited about the song to make it any good, otherwise I feel ┬álike Im just going through the motions and ask myself, ‘Whats the point?’ and give up. Hoping that inspiration will strike soon. Its really annoying because I love writing so when it happens it just lowers my mood and I start feeling useless.

Sometimes its too hard to write if I have to stick to a certain topic, others, the possibilities are too endless to choose which avenue to take with the song. I dont fully understand my process at all, all I know is that writers block is a bitch. I suppose I have to be in the mood to write in the first place, but even then I have to get in ‘the zone’ somehow and Im not sure how that happens.

Its all a mystery to me, I just hope that I get back in the zone soon so I can write these songs and get them released!

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